Changed
by DarkeFlame
Summary: I relished the pain, thinking it was the last thing I would ever feel. Permanent Hiatus
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Changed**

**Rating: T**

**Author: DarkeFlame**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, never, have, never will…**

**Summary: Ed finds a way to change Al back into a human…sort of. They have the circle set up, and yup, you guessed it. Something went wrong.**

**Setting: Anywhen you want, Hughes is alive, Scar's still evil and killing state alchemists, manga-verse.**

Preface

"Al! Alphonse!" I yelled in search of my younger brother. I rounded the corner and ran headfirst into something cold, hard, and lifeless. It was Al.

"Yes big brother? You were looking for me?" Al asked, his voice echoing from inside his empty suit of armor.

"I found it. I found a way to change you back." My eyes shone with something many would have thought long dead. It was hope.

"I was looking at some books on human transmutation, when I realized something. Al, what is the alchemist's definition of a human body?" It was a rhetorical question, but Al answered anyways.

"A body is something that holds the mind and soul portion of the human physique, the physical portion of the body-mind-soul portion of the human spirit." (A/N-sorry if that's not what it is in the manga; I just needed that particular definition)

"Right. I can transmute my automail into a sword as easily as I can flesh into…something squishy." I hinted to my little brother.

"Yeah, but what's that got to do with me getting my human body back?" Al asked, clearly not seeing the connection.

"Well, about that...um, I'm not sure, but I don't think this body will be entirely human"

"So you want to turn me into a…chimera?" Al asked quietly.

"It's better than being a walking time bomb." I said, lowering my voice to match.

Al said one word.

"How?"

**Sorry this is so short. It's just a preface. But don't worry, I'm typing up chapter 2 right now. It'll be up as soon as I figure out how to post chapters. Tell me if you actually want me to continue though. I can take flames, but please don't be unnecessarily harsh.**


	2. Changing

**Title: Changed**

**Rating: T for swearing**

**Author: DarkeFlame**

**Disclaimer: me no own, you no sue…**

**Summary: Ed finds a way to change Al back into a human…sort of. They have the circle set up, and yup, you guessed it. Something went wrong.**

**Setting: Anywhen you want, Hughes is alive, Scar's still evil and killing state alchemists, manga-verse.**

**A/N- I know Scar is a little OOC in this chapter. Deal with it.**

Changing

We set up the transmutation circle in an empty field, reminiscent of our hometown, Risembool. It was big, flat, and empty of everything except us and the crickets, serenading us with their summer songs.

I sat Al and the small, black kitten in their respective places in the circle. I took a breath, and ran over my reasoning, making certain it was flawless. I raised my hands to start the transformation, and stopped.

"Brother, what are you waiting for?" Al asked expectantly. I shook my head. I must've been imagining things. But _something_ was different, _something_ had changed a peaceful summer night into something eerie. Something to be feared. I inhaled, raising my hands to change my only little brother into a chimera. I froze. Scar, notorious state alchemist killer, had Al.

"Do as I say, and there will be no need to harm your 'experiment'."

"Damn you Scar, that's my little brother!"

"Experimenting on your brother were you? My, my, the military will do anything these days. So, how should I punish you for your sins?" he mused.

"Don't hurt him, and I'll do anything you want!" I cried desperately. (A/N- except that, you perverts!)

"Anything, hmmm? Fine. Come into the circle. This time _you_ can be the lab rat. Alter _anything_, and you'll be seeing your brother in hell sooner than you think." I followed his instructions carefully. It wasn't like I had any choice. I couldn't let that bastard hurt Al.

"You have one minute to pray for forgiveness."

"Sorry. I don't believe in higher powers." My tone and posture saying I was anything but sorry.

"Then prepare to _die_!" He clapped his hand together, releasing the power of alchemy in a way only a select few could, and a surge of pain and power engulfed me. I relished the feeling, thinking it was the last thing I would ever know. I saw my mother's face, smiling through the darkness. After that I lost consciousness, battered by waves of alchemy.

**Okay, I put up another chappie. I'm almost finished writing the next one, so I should be posting pretty soon. Now all you have to do is press that little green button, and send me a nice long review. I don't care if you absolutely hate this story. Tell me what I did wrong, and I'll try to make it better. Try, try, try again. Then give me pie.**


	3. Awakening

**Title: Changed**

**Rating: T cause I feel like it**

**Author: DarkeFlame**

**Disclaimer: I do not, and never will, own FMA**

**Summary: Ed finds a way to change Al back into a human…sort of. They have the circle set up, and yup, you guessed it. Something went wrong.**

**Setting: Anywhen you want, Hughes is alive, Scar's still evil and killing state alchemists, manga-verse.**

**Thanks to merlyn1382 for constructive criticism**

Awakening

I opened my eyes to Al, sobbing dryly over my prone form. The memories rushed back in a whirlwind of confusion. Preparing Al. Stillness. Scar. I shot up. "Scar!" I growled, looking around for the renegade.

"Brother! You're alive!" Al cried joyously, causing several birds to take flight into a dawning sky. "GAH! Brother, what happened to you?!" 'That's a very good question. What did happen to me?' I looked down at myself.

"GAH!" I was… I was…I was short! There was no getting around it. I was even shorter than normal. I looked like I was 5 yrs. old. It got better. Apparently, the transmutation had worked. I was a cat chimera. I had the ears, tail, and claws of a cat. I could actually deal with that. But being so…short... again would be hard to deal with. That and everybody would talk to me like I'm 5 yrs. old. That would get annoying real fast. The tail I could ignore. I could hide the ears, wear gloves. But the worst part was that… I was… a girl.

The feline I was now joined with had probably been female. And now, I was too. I tried to look on the bright side of it all. Well, at least I wasn't…both. That was the best I could come up with. Whatever I am now, I'm just gonna have to deal with it, it's my body, and nothings going to change that.

Upon closer inspection, I also found that my hair had black tips, as if I had taken it all and dunked the last inch or so into some black paint. My ears & tail were the same color scheme, my usual blonde with the tips bottlebrush black. My senses were keener, my teeth sharper, and my claws were made of metal. It looks like my automail, not disappearing as I expected, but was concentrated into the form of a fingernail instead. They were retractable, and I could make them grow to any length at will. I didn't want to freak Al out any more, though, and decided against seeing what they could do. Hell, _I_ was freaked out enough.

After my self-examination was over, culminating in the surprising strength, speed, flexibility, and energy levels, I decided we needed to do something. "Al, we need to get back to Central. We can't just sit around here and do nothing."

"You're right, big… umm, I don't think I should call you 'big brother' anymore. You got enough stares as it was." Al said, with a few wary glances in my direction. I fumed, but, as he didn't actually call me…short, I would not blow up on him.

"Just call me Ed, Al." I said with a sigh.

"Okay Ed. You're right. We need to fix this." Al said uncertainly.

"How about we start walking now?" I asked, my voice colored with impatience, absolutely dripping with sarcasm. I stood up and started walking away.

"Um, Ed?"

"Yes, Al."

"Your clothes." He said, looking away pointedly.

"GAH!!!" I looked around for my clothes, hoping to transmute them into something usable. I grabbed them. Okay, I'll fix it." _Clap!_ Nothing happened. _Clap. Clap! Clap! Clapclapclapclapclapclapclap!_

"Ed… I don't think its working."

"I can see that, Al." I said irritably. "Could you fix them?" I asked, forcing my voice back to politeness.

_Why? This is normal. Why do you want to wear fake fur?_ I heard a voice. I assumed it was Al.

"Why? So I can look normal, that's why! And what do you mean fake fur?" I asked Al, mentally calculating his IQ.

"What are you talking about Ed? I haven't said a word." Al retorted, clearly confused.

_I'm not Al. Some child prodigy you are. Huh."_

"If you're not Al, then who are you?" I asked, nervous.

_I'm Salina. I was the cat you transmuted._

**Haha! I finished. I wanted to write this, but it wouldn't write right. Hah. Anyway, y'all should review more. If you don't review, I won't be inspired to write (is that vaguely veiled threat? Why I think it is) so press the little green button thataway and REVIEW!!! Cause if you don't there will be less AWESOMENESS!!!! And, no, I actually do not have any mental health issues. I have a signed (which means forged) paper to prove it from my therapists. Once they stopped screaming. But it was right after they locked me in a padded room for three days with nothing but lovely, mind-altering drugs, so I should be okay. Anyway, review, or I'll hunt you down, disembowel you, have you hanged, drawn, and quartered(which means strangled, cut open, and dragged around tied to the back of a horse), and then feed you to my awesome pet cobra. And I'll do it too. Remember Michael Corner? You shouldn't. I made you forget what they did to **_**him**_**…**


	4. ShowandTell

**Okay, I thank those people who've put me and this story on their favorites list, but I still need reviews. Tell me what you want to see in the story, what you didn't like, what you did. I don't care. Anyway, I don't own FMA, and if you haven't figured out the rest of the info, you are an idiot. Oh, and sorry for not explaining Ed and Salina's mental connection before. If y'all have read Eragon, it's like his and Saphira's mental link, except Salina doesn't have a body. Just thought I should clarify.**

_Salina's thoughts_

**Ed's thoughts**

Show-and-Tell

I was forced to hide in Al's armor, due to the fact that my ears & tail would be difficult, if possible, to hide.

'_Why are we hiding? What's that smell? What was that sound? What's tha-'_ Salina was in overdrive, exited by all the new sounds, scents, and sensations. It was more annoying than infectious.

"If you would shut up for a second, Salina, I might be able to actually answer your questions." I muttered angrily to my other half.

'_You do know that we don't have to speak to communicate, right? Just think want you want me to know, and I'll hear you.'_

'**I knew that. But what if I don't want you to hear me, huh? What am I supposed to do then?'**

'_Sure you did. And to your second question, if you don't want me to hear about it, don't think about it. Easy enough solution to that.'_ She laughed. She didn't have a body, and I don't know how she did it, but she laughed.

"I don't want excuses, Feury! Just find FullMetal!" A sharp voice barked. "Now!"

'**Oh, no. Not him.'** I thought.

'_Him, who's him?' Salina thought back, confused. _I ignored her.

"Really, Al? Mustang? Do you realize what he's gonna do when he sees me like this?" I said, getting close to hysterical.

"Good, you're here, Alphonse! Do you know where your brother is? Scar's been sighted near here, and we think he may target you two again." The tall, black-haired Colonel said as he caught sight of Al. **'Too late for that.'** I thought sarcastically.

"Actually, dir, I do know where he is, but he's a bit more different than usual." Al anime-style sweatdropped.

"Different how?" Mustang asked, immediately becoming suspicious of Al's sweatdrop.

"Al! Let me out of here! That idiot won't understand what Scar did to me until he sees me for himself!" Mustang's eyes narrowed as he heard the word 'Scar', and he heard how different my high, squeaky voice was from my usually lower tone. I banged on Al's chestplate, trying to escape. Al opened his chestplate, and I fell out at the Colonel's feet. I straightened up to my grand total of 3'2". "Hiya, sir!"

**(A/N-this part isn't yaoi, just some RoyxEd parental bonding stuff)**

"You actually listened to him! You baka, he could've killed you!"

"But he didn't! It was better me than Al anyways! Besides, you just don't want to do the paperwork!" a pause.

"You're wrong." Mustang said quietly.

"What?"

"I said you're wrong. No matter what you think of me, I still care about you, just like I care about all of those under my command."

"Oh." I said, properly chastened. There was a very pregnant pause.

"So, you're a…female, feline chimera?" he said with a hint of a smirk in his voice,

"Yes…" I said in a long-suffering tone, glad that the conversation had gone back to our usual insulting manner.

'_What's so bad about being a cat? Or a half-cat, girl or not?'_

'**Nothing. I just have to put up with a twit like you for the rest of my life, Salina.'** I thought back**. 'Now, this is hard enough, so why don't you give it a rest for once.'**

'_Hey! I am not a twit! And either way, I would have been joined to you or your brother, no matter what I wanted. It wasn't my fault you thought up this hare-brained scheme of turning your brother into a chimera.'_ She replied a bit scathingly. She also had a good point, but I wasn't going to admit it to her if I could help it. _'I'm right, aren't I?'_

'**Fine. You're right.'** So much for not admitting it to her. I felt smugness emanating from her presence in my mind.

All of this happened in the few brief seconds it took Mustang to frame an answer.

"Well, we have to clean up your mess, so you'll have to…" he started talking about people, places, and tests.

"What am I supposed to do in the meantime?" I asked, cutting him off." In the meantime you can live with Hughes. We don't know what the after-affects of the human transmutation, and you need someone to watch over you."

"I don't need to be baby-sat." I grumbled. Salina followed the same train of thought.

"I could always enlist the help of Major Armstrong." The Colonel smiled at the barely-concealed threat.

"There's no need for drastic measures, now is there?" I stuttered out, quailing at the prospect of being chaperoned by the over-enthusiastic Major.

"You will sleep at Hughes' house so he can keep an eye on you?"

"Yes, Colonel. Good. You're dismissed."

**YAY! Long chapter! Nearly 2 pages on the word document! Okay, I hate to resort to this, but I won't post until I get at least 5 reviews from my loyal readers. I don't care what you put in them, just a little feedback would be nice. So, the faster you review, the faster you get a new chapter, okay? Free cookie to those who do review.**


	5. ChangedAgain

**Okay, people, I know that not everyone has a fanfic account (I know, I'm shocked too), but please, at least put a fake name or something so I can answer you in an authors note or something? Please? I love the reviews, but I can't answer your questions if you don't give me a name. Okay, and anonymous, yes, it is good a girl finally put him in his place. And actually, I'm thinking of giving Salina more control than Ed would like. Not saying more, because it would ruin the plot of my next few chapters, but it's something. I'm also sorry it was so short. Just like Ed. *cringe*. Anyway, I don't own FMA. If I did, Ed would be tall, Mustang wouldn't be such a womanizer, and Al would have his body back. M'kay, I'm done now. ON WITH THE FIC!!!**

Changed…Again

I was starving. Hughes and his wife had made fish sticks for dinner and Salina was going crazy. _'More, more, more, more, more!'_

"More, please!" I asked, even though I had already eaten five platefuls. Salina was getting obsessive.

"Now, I can understand that you're a growing young lady," I flinched, "but you shouldn't eat so much, or you'll make yourself sick." Gracia berated.

"Yes, ma'am. Actually, I do think I feel a bit sick. May I go lie down?" I asked, holding my stomach and giving her faint puppy-dog eyes. Salina was actually quite helpful with that.

'Yes, of course, dear. Go on up to bed. You'll probably feel better in the morning. She said in a motherly tone. I walked slowly up to my room a bit distractedly.

'**Who knew that cats would be so good at puppy-dog eyes?'**

'_Actually, it was a cat who first thought of it. After years of cat's success with it, dogs picked up on the subtleties of it, although with more success, especially as pups.'_

'**Interesting.'**

I reached the room Mrs. Hughes had given me. It was perfectly normal. No pink or lace anywhere. I fell on the bed, and was asleep before my head touched the pillow.

THIS-BE-A-DIVIDING-LINE

I woke up in the middle of the night from a sharp pain in my spine, at the base of my tail, feeling like I hadn't eaten in weeks. It felt like someone was stretching my bones and filling the space with splinters of wood. The pain reminded of me when I was getting my automail ports attached. I let out a small cry, unnoticed by anyone, and fell into darkness.

**I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been sick, and school trying to kill me by exhaustion before Christmas has been disrupting whatever free time I once had. And I was grounded from the computer for a while because I spent 13 hours straight on the computer. I mean come on, my mother spends 12 hours straight on it, why can't I? Maybe 12's the cutoff? I'll have to ask her. Anyway, since there's a 5-day weekend ahead of me, I should be able to get a lot more writing done. Review, or I'll sick my rabid plot-bunny-less-ness on you. **


	6. Restlessness

**I'm sooo sorry I haven't updated! I pulled a cliffie and threw you to the sharks! Well, here's a chappie, and I've already got the next one written up, I just need to go over it and fix all the spelling mistakes. It should be up in a few days. Yes, before y'all ask, this was a filler chapter. There will be one more, and then I'm going to get on with the story. Yes, the next chapter will be mostly dialogue. No, I don't own FMA, happy?**

Restlessness

When I had fallen asleep, Salina and I had shared the body of a five year old girl, reminiscent of Elicia. When I woke up, we had the body of an eighteen year old girl. An incredibly _hott_ eighteen year old girl. Just then, Al interrupted my silent horror by *gently* pushing me off of the bed.

"OW!!! What was that for?!" I yelled.

"You're different!" Al screamed back accusingly. **(A/N- I really don't want to get Al into an emo-mode, but there **_**might**_** be angst later!)**

"Oh really, I hadn't noticed!" my voice dripping with sarcasm as I collected myself into a suitable position on the floor.

"What's all the yelling for?!" we heard Hughes yell from behind the alchemy-locked door. "Is everything all right?"

"No, everything is not 'all right'!" I yelled back, my voice nearing hysteria. Salina tried saying something, presumably something to calm me down, but I shut her out.

"Ed, is that you?" Hughes asked quietly in disbelief as he followed Al through the now-opened doorway. I guess Al unlocked the door during my hysteria, because I hadn't even noticed he was gone, and no non-alchemist could have gotten through that door. I saw Elicia trying to peek through the open door. I wailed forlornly and dove under the blankets that had fallen off the bed with me.

My eyes glowed from the shadows and I replied darkly, "Well, who else do you know with the ears, tail, and claws of a cat?" The blankets twitched as my ears, tail, and claws started moving restlessly.

"I guess I need to call Mustang, then." Hughes said, sighing.

**Okay, I know I took forever with this chapter, but I had a bit of a writers block. Not to mention I was sick, I have finals coming up, and I actually have a life outside of my computer. But I will not leave you hanging like that again. I've got a few ideas, but any and all suggestions will be appreciated! Review!**


	7. Phone Call

**Sorry I took so long. I just wanted to see if anyone would review. No one reviewed, but that's not surprising, considering I forgot about y'all for a month! Anyway, I'm trying to actually develop a plot! I know, shocking isn't it? So just bear with me, tell me if you have any ideas, I **_**still**_** have the dreaded writers block! But I'm experimenting with dialogue; tell me if it's any good. Hughes is being a little childish. Mustang is also being a bit of an asshole, here, too. There are also cell phones if it seems too unrealistic for you. I don't own FMA. I also need to stop writing uber-long author's notes. Sue me. Also, I don't think I put any of this in my other chapters so…**

Normal Speech

**Ed's thoughts to Salina**

_Salina's thoughts to Ed_

Title Goes Here

"Colonel Mustang?"

"No, Hughes, how many times do I have to say it? You can't use military lines to brag about your daughter!"

"But sir-"

"No, Hughes."

"Colon-"

"I said no, Hughes. That's an order." Mustang tried to hang up the phone, but stopped short **(hah. short)** as he heard a voice from the receiver that he was pretty sure everyone else in the base could hear.

"DON'T YOU DARE HANG UP THAT PHONE, OR I'LL COME UP THERE AND POUND YOU INTO OBLIVION, YOU BASTARD COLONEL!!!"**(**_**THREE EXCLAMATIONS ARE WAAAY BETTER THAN ONE!!! SO ARE 3 A's!!! SO ARE TALKING IN ALL CAPS!!! HA!!!)**_

"FULLMETAL! What exactly is this about?!" He paused as he heard Ed-and possibly Hughes- fight over the phone. He heard the familiar rumble of Ed's fighting-and a few choice words- before someone claimed the phone.

"What's going on over there?!" the irritated alchemist demanded.

"Well, Nii-san has changed again. He looks to be around 18 yrs. old." **(Sorry, but Al doesn't really talk to Mustang much, so I'm just guessing what he would say)**

"Eight-eighteen?"

"Yes, Colonel Mustang." Al sounded innocently confused at Mustang's incredulous voice.

"Alphonse, bring FullMetal and Hughes here, immediately. Tell them it's an order."

"Yes, Colonel." Al hung the phone up, effectively ending Ed and Hughes' fight over the phone.

"Ed, come here, I need to transmute some clothes, and I'd rather you stop fighting with Hughes." Al didn't say it in an intimidating voice, but at the way Hughes was acting, you could tell he was more than happy to agree with his requests.

"Why, we going somewhere?"

"Actually, the Colonel ordered you and Hughes to get to HQ." Hughes started whispering in Al's ear** (helmet, whatever)**. Al started acting embarrassed, and if he could have blushed, he'd have been ten shades of red by now, and edged away from Hughes, shaking his head **(helmet, whatever)** and trying to hiding (unsuccessfully) behind Ed.

Ed muttered under his breath, "What did he tell you?"

"He asked me it I knew how to transmute a bra." Al whispered back fearfully. Ed looked down at his own chest.

"Damn."

**I'm sorry I put so many AU's in the story, but there were some things that needed to be said. Okay, so I've updated, now you all need to do your part and review. Man, this note was short compared to the one at the beginning. Anyway, Ciaossu.**


	8. Life Changes

**Warnings! This chapter has some mild language.**

Colonel Roy Mustang had seen some odd things in his line of work. Death, violence, and twisted experiments were the norm. However, a feminine Fullmetal was the last thing he expected to see. She was tall-ish; her automail limbs needed replacing, because the extremely temporary ones she-_he_ had now seemed out of place, next to his usual image. Of course, nothing about this was…usual. Her-_his_ hair was about the same, as were his eyes, but he looked odd in the standard military uniform, courtesy of Lt. Hawkeye.

…Not the kind with mini-skirts.

In his mind, he still saw Ed as Ed, a boy, not a near grown woman. A _very_ grown woman, if he was being honest. Somewhat like the dates he stole from Havoc. And he did not want to picture Ed in a mini-skirt. He marshaled his face into a solemn mask, trying to recover from his initial outburst when Ed had first walked in. Hawkeye had to point her gun at him to get her superior to stop laughing. Ed was not happy.

After everyone calmed down, Mustang ordered in a trusted medic to examine Ed for any other abnormalities. She-_he_ was fine, other than the obvious problem of being a chimera. Even his extreme growth did not harm her-_him_ much, as he had eaten so much before. The calories needed for such a transformation, and they were lucky he didn't die from starvation.

"So, you've a voice in your head." The Bastard Colonel asked me again.

"Yes, her name is Selena, and she claims to be the kitten I was joined with." I replied testily. This was the third time he had asked.

"_Why don't you just kill him and take over the pack?"_ Selena asked. _"He annoys me, and he smells funny."_ She said, mentally wrinkling her nose in distaste.

"**I can't do that, he's not the pack leader. I'd have to kill the Furor to do that, and no one will follow me if I did. And he probably smells like a mix of French whore and dogs. He loves them both."** I thought back. "Go on a date last night, Bastard Colonel? Selena says you smell weird. How fast did she run away when she saw your ugly face?" I shot at him in irritation. He made me see a doctor, and I was in uniform. Neither of which made me happy.

"Yes. Maxine ran straight into my arms after she saw you hanging around." He shot back, examining reports that he had yet to do. As if I wasn't his top priority. He couldn't afford to have anything happen to me. I was his pet, along with the military's, as much as I hated to admit it.

"Can we get back on topic? We need to know what to do with Fullmetal until we can fix this." Hawkeye prompted in that _subtle_ way of hers.

"_I like her."_ Selena thought, adding more input now that she was 'awake'. Like most cats, unless it directly concerned her, she tended to sleep, and even then her attentiveness was iffy. _"She scares you, and keeps the Dog lover in line."_

"**She doesn't scare me! What gave you that idea?" **I thought back, laughing for good measure. The last part I agreed with. Nothing would ever get done if Hawkeye wasn't around to keep the Colonel in line.

"_You flinch whenever she points the shiny thing at you. And when she glares at you. You're scared. If I didn't know better, I'd say she's Alpha."_ I shook my head in denial, but I didn't argue with her. I was amused at her terminology, getting an image of Hawkeye in the 'throne room'. I cringed.

While I was 'talking' with Selena, it seems as if the deliberations concerning my fate had been concluded. I had noticed Mustang muttering to himself and Hawkeye, but had paid it no notice. Mustang grimaced, in that way he does when he has to do something he doesn't particularly like. It boded ill for me, why would he be annoyed? Unless he had to do more paperwork. Good, he can burn in that hell.

"It has been decided, Fullmetal. Until your transformation is rectified, you and Alphonse will be staying with me."

"What?"

"_I'm stuck with the dog-lover?"_

…I'm sorry. That was probably horrible. You can thank Shadow Heart Hawk-eye for getting me out of the ditch. I lost interest in this, and forgot about it, until a few days ago. Now I've had some time to plan what I'm going to write, and what's going to happen. I probably will leave the previous chapters, as a tribute to my poorer writing skills I had before. I'm not saying that so you'll review, either, please don't tell me it was great. I'm an author, so therefore I hate my own work. I'll try to update every Monday from now on, until it's complete. Feel free to yell at me for the long wait, writing, POV switching, or whatever. I'm a big girl, I can take the heat.


	9. Dates

**Y'all know, I almost forgot to update today, until I was in the shower…All of my best ideas are thought up in the shower, when I can't write them down. It's so annoying. Anyways, I don't own FMA or anything else mentioned in this fanfiction. That's why it's called FANfiction, right? Also, RoyEd fans, you will be pleased. Any others, well, it's just a joke…**

Ed was stuck in a small guest bedroom. I suppose he was lucky it wasn't the couch, but then he'd have to stand the Colonel's womanizing with his date tonight. And the night before. And the night before that. Every night for the past week. If he hadn't known the Colonel didn't get anything done, he would've wondered how that man did anything.

Tonight's date was a Spanish woman named Maria. She was pretty, in her way, but she didn't seem the Colonel's type. She was short, had tan skin, with big brown eyes, and dressed plainly. She was a homely, motherly woman, and she was running late.

Ed's stomach growled, so he walked downstairs to heat up some takeout, as his 'caretaker' couldn't cook a piece of toast, let alone the amount of food needed for a growing chime-_boy_ like him. He was just pulling out a fork when he heard the doorbell ring.

"_So…why are we here again?"_

"**So the Bastard Colonel can 'keep an eye on us', in case something bad happens. As if I couldn't take care of myself!"**

"_Then why are you so complacent? I thought you hated him?"_ Selena asked.

"**I don't know, maybe I should…"** I trailed off as a wonderful idea hit me. I grinned evilly, and Selena purred in anticipation.

"Yes, and you know what happened next?" Mustang laughed out.

"No, what?" Maria was enthralled by Mustang's battle stories-most made up, of course. He wasn't allowed to say anything, top secret and all. And we all know how the Colonel loves his rules.

"The trail of gunpowder ignited, and flipped the train car upside down, trapping the fugitives! I called up headquarters for backup, to haul them all to the East City holding cells." Mustang waxed eloquently about his great adventures in the sleepy little town of East City. As if any of that ever happened. I peeked around the corner, watching in slight disgust as they leaned in to kiss.

"Roy! I thought you said _we_ were going to go out tonight! You promised!" I ran out and hugged Mustang around the neck, inwardly grimacing, in reality putting on my best pout. Maria backed up, pushed out of the way by my half-tackle. "It's our yearly anniversary, too! You promised me we'd do something special!" I was lucky I looked the way I did. Tall, blonde, buxom...exactly the Colonel's regular type. This wouldn't have worked otherwise.

"W-who is this?" Maria stuttered out. "Anniversary?" Maria was stunned. I turned to her, tucking my head underneath the (also) stunned Colonel's chin, and let my hands trail possessively down to his waist. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Roy, dear, you said you've stopped seeing other women. I know I can't fill _all_ your needs, but you said you'd wait until I was legal*****."

"_You're putting it on a little too thick. Also, this makes me want to gag. I can't get the dog smell out of my nose!"_

"**You want to gag? You're not the one doing this! But it is one hell of a joke. I can't wait to see his face!"** I stopped trying to break every one of Mustang's ribs, and stepped towards the Spanish woman. "I'm sorry, but this is a big misunderstanding. I think it would be best if you just went home and forgot this ever happened." Maria blinked. She stepped around me to stand in front of Mustang.

"You were dating una chica the whole time? An underage girl? Have you no shame, you dos tiempo, no bueno, vergüenza de un hombre! Cómo el atrevimiento ud arruina este inocencia de la chica! ¡Y lléveme alrededor como ése! ¡Híbrido! (two timing, no good, shame of a man! How dare you ruin this girl's innocence! And lead me around like that! Bastard!) Maria slapped Mustang as hard as she could across the face, and stormed out.

I took one look at the Bastard Colonel's face, and wanted to laugh and run in the same stroke. When he pulled out his gloves, I knew it was time to run.

"You have ten seconds. I suggest you run _very_ fast…" Mustang threatened. I wasted no time, and went to find Hawkeye. I knew she was still in the office around this time of day… I wasn't hiding, just making a tactical retreat so I can laugh in peace! I felt like I was forgetting something…

Al should be fine on his own, right?

***Let's just imagine that the 'legal consent age' is 19 or so in Amestris.**

**WOO! So, how was the prank? I don't ship RoyEd much myself, but I have to make readers happy, no? The Spanish should be pretty reliable, too. I only used Babelfish for accents and one or two words I didn't know. And yes, I did accidentally forget about Al until the end. But he showed up…eventually … sort of…Don't hurt me! I have the next chapter hostage! **


End file.
